crumbling

obviously more and different came up after today but  . . .here's the stuff i had on my mind but didn't have time for.  so i was reading the chakra stuff and two sentences jumped out about me and high school boy. and yes you were right, technically high school boy wasn't during high school.  i could say last year's but college boy started last year too so  . . .  but you're following along i trust /hope. because otherwise it gets totes messy.  anywhoo, two lines side by side: "so an excessive third chakra creates a bully, or one who always has tot be in control, excessive second chakra manifests as sexual addiction, or the filtering of exchanges through a sexual framework."  that's on the core / root issue level that i see us.  mine the classic what they mention in the book - always being told not to feel what i feel and his whatever that bs with his mother is/was.  i mean, my overall view of the chakras is a lot broader and currently there is a deficiency in the second.  and the book was really helpful for that - explaining how deficiency and excessiveness could exist side by side.  also stuck out to me "the pain of unrequited love teaches us to close our heart" - i'm pretty sure mine has been closed since gideon died.  i know i've said that i've been open and i've tried but maybe not so much.

ugh.  i'm going in circles.  somehow i was clearer before class.  i felt horrible but i was clearer.  now i feel less horrible but

and i did have a 'maybe massage wouldn't be horrible idea' moment when we talked today.

what the fuck am i going to do.  of course i can't answer that question until i talk to my dad and he draws out of me what  i already know.  he said i was perfect.  but i think that only works when he's here.

more tomorrow, i'm broken and exhausted.