what I e worked out is it's been a lot of pain avoidance. For years. And as I became more physically in pain and as there was loess joy in y life to offset it . . . I needed more.
Which is of course why I want the sex without the other stuff. And yes yes, if I have to take them together I'm willing now. But bottom line I need a mind blowing physical connection and minimal on the emotional - I can do intellectual tho (she said hopefully) It is one of the funnier things about hs boy - he was already giving me way more of the emotional than I ever would have looked for -- more than has been in most of my relationships tbqh but didn't want to give me more sex because he didn't want to get involved. Whaaaa? I thought it was crazy when he said "let's get you trough this" like what's this we stuff white man but I didn't freak just waited for it to blow over. That's an investment. Sex is a sport. Good goddess sex should be a sport. Wtf is wrong with people.
Anyway - yeah sex has definitely been if not a drug its own then a.bRight spot that made drugs less necessary so maybe that's the lesson I have to hold the flame to my palm without moving away.
Still https://youtu.be/FM7MFYoylVs
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